Monday, June 13, 2016

Robotronix and the Fantastical Machine: An Archives Adventure: Chapter 1

Sometimes ripping Topps Archives gets me nostalgic for my younger days and I break out the toys and play with my cards like a little kid. I got 2 boxes of Archives this year, the first of which was excellent and I talked about it here. The second box will be busted over this little series of posts in storytime form. Enjoy!

One days Robotronix the robot and his buddy Vroom-Vroom the little yellow car are cruising on their way to pick raspberries for the pie Auntie Helga's planned to enter in the state pie competition when they come across Professor Huffnagle, a work-friend who is visible shaken.

"Robo, you must help me with this!," insists Professor Huffnagle.

"I've invented this machine that expels small packages from within it. Said packages contain images men who play the game of baseball. It's kind of a big deal! Evil forces are plotting to steal it even now. I'm just a fat, old British dude who couldn't punch my way out of a wet paper bag, so I need a baddd-ass robot like yourself to keep it safe."

Robotronix's circuits were abuzz with simulations of excitement and wonderment. "I accept this task you have assigned me," he states robotically.

"Wholly fuck, bro!," exclaimed Vroom-Vroom, his foul-mouthed automobile friend. "That's some heavy shit right there."

A gracious Professor Huffnagle nervously released a farewell fart and was on his way.

"Let's tuck into that crazy moonbeam box, Daddy-o," said Vroom-Vroom for some dumb reason.

"My programing confirms such a sample size could have beneficial implications. Beep-borp," replied Robotronix.

They each produce a package from the machine and unwrap its meaty innards.

"Sheeeet." said Vroom-Vroom. "That Bobby muthafuckka needs to get the fuck outta herr. Bitch-ass best close his shirt."

"My sensors are indicating displeasure levels greatly elevated," agreed Robotronix, before violently erupting in a series of beeps and boops which is how he vomits.

Time passes. The two go on their way.

Nearly 45 minutes later, they're accosted by a youth immersed in goth culture.
"Sup, bitches?," inquires the youth.

Snagging a pack from the fantastical machine, Stan challenges a dual.

Robotronix answers with a pack himself, and Stan is kept at bay.

"Why's you gotsa be such a bitch?!," asks Vroom Vroom to Goth Stan.

"I don't know. I'm sorry, guys. It's like there's been an evil force around here lately. It's turning everything that's good into shit."

"Does not compute," says Robotronix.

"Yeah, man. It sure doesn't." And with that Goth Stan slinks away.

Moments later, a maniacal Wally Joyner jumps out from behind a rock.

"Oh great, an evil robot come to run amok in my home. Not if I can help it!," Wally exclaims.

Robo replies, "Error. Error." But it's too late, as Wally has challenged with a pack.

"Boo-yacka-shaw!!," shouts Wally.

"Shove that up your ass!," shouts Vroom-Vroom, quite offensively.

Relenting, Wally backs down. "Ok, you guys know you're stuff."

"We mean no harm to anyone," says Robo.

"Yeah, I can tell you're a solid robot. Respect. What are you guys doing out here, anyway?"

"Sheeeet," answers Vroom, "We'z tryin to protect this machine from bad guys."

"Bad guys, eh?," says Wally. "I think you guys should go see the Gloracle. The Gloracle would be able to point you in the right direction."

Wally tells them where to find the Gloracle. They shake hands and head their separate ways.

By dusk, they've entered the lair of the Gloracle. Ominous sounds bounce all around and reverberate off the pair's metallic casings.

"Who goes there?" a ghostly voice calls.

"It's a robot and a talking car looking for the Gloracle." says Vroom.

"You've found that which you seek," says the Gloracle, revealing himself.

"Sch-weeet!" says Vroom. "Now you can help us on our quest."

"First, you must prove you are pure of heart by besting me in a competition," says the Gloracle.

They grab competing packs from the machine. Vroom is victorious thanks in large part to Mike Trout.

"Very well," answers the Gloracle, "I shall help you with that in which you may thine seek."

"Know this, though: Your journey is just beginning!"

[end of chapter 1]


  1. That's the most unique card blog post I've ever read... can't wait for part two!

  2. I feel like Vroom Vroom foul mouthed automobile will be on Adult Swim at some point.

  3. This is awesome! I'm making popcorn for part two!

  4. Very cool post. You always have something creative up your sleeve :)

  5. This was awesome! The only thing that could make it better is if Wally Joyner is in the set and pulled a card of himself.