Saturday, September 6, 2014

anti-Panini rant (for Mr. Panini's eyes only)

Fucking Panini. I'm done with you. And it's not the ugly pajama cards. It's the fucking UPS signature required at delivery bullshit. Sorry, not everyone you send cards to is a fucking douchebag card dealer who sits around in their undies at home all day seeing how much they can milk a #'d Johnny Football auto for on eBay; no, some of us are real collectors, regular dudes with jobs. Are you trying to get me fired?! Do you want me to call in sick so I can be home when the fucking UPS guy comes around so I can sign for your fucking counterfeit MLB shit? So sick of it.

I keep an eye for your shit blog, trying my best to ignore the shit produce you shling on there. Once or twice a month there's a baseball card product mentioned. And hey, sure, why not enter for a free box of 2014 Donruss Series 2. It'd save me the 50 cents it'd cost to buy the 2 or 3 cards I'd pull for my PC, and leave a couple dozen trade bait (filler protection used as padding keeping safe cards that are actually desirable that anyone would actually want in trade, not your pajama cards).

I was pretty stoked when they told me I won. But in hindsight I'd tell them to shove the box [up their butt]. A couple weeks later (today, a Friday), I get a UPS slip telling me I'm a sucker and that Panini demands that somebody be home to sign for the privilage of receiving pajamini cards. "Well, lucky you," you're saying, "They'll try again tomorrow, Saturday, when normal, hard-working folk are home and can sign for stupid shit." But no, you'd be wrong. UPS will try again on fucking Monday. Looks like I'll have to quit my job so I can pull some photoshopped prison uniformed CC Sabbathia "Dominator Kings of Power" insert among a box of 1 cent garbage.

This isn't the first time. A few months ago I stupidly bought a redemption card for a Greg Maddux auto for too much money. When it finally got redeemed, Pajamini did their usual "YOU MUST BE HOME" bullshit. Not even, sign a slip saying it's ok to leave it, or go on the UPS website and say it's ok to leave it. Nope. They want to see the fucking look on your goddamn face when you reach out to take their box of garbage. They get some sick sexual arousal from it. They pay the UPS guy extra to take a photo of your perplexed, newly-unemployed face so that can jack around their junk in a seeding orgy of debauchery over your image, enlarged on their iPads.

At least through some miracle, my ho happened to be kickin it at the crib drinking gin & juice for the 2nd attempt with the Maddux. But not this time. This time she be cruising for ass.

When I got home, my normally-chill dog was fucking hoarse from barking her poor little misguided ass off. The damn UPS guy musta tormented her good. "Hey bitch, got sumethin for yo papa! Come n' get it, punkass biych." And she was like, "Fuck you! Jus leave that shit! Drop it like a MLB license."

But nope. Somebody-- a human-- needs to be home to sign for the package. Such bullshit. So they'll try again Monday.. make my fucking dog hoarse again.. then maybe give it one last futile try on Tuesday.. possibly costing my precious dog her life.. till finally giving up and giving me a tight window to pick it up in person at the UPS warehouse way out by the fucking airport.

Well joke's on you, asshole, I'm catching a flight on Friday. If I'm lucky I'll be able to pick up the package on the way to the airport. Cram the box in my carryon and have something to trip during my trip. There better be a goddamn Kershaw auto in that fucking box. Sure, even the autos are ugly stickers worth hardly anything, but at least a Kershaw auto would almost cover the gas for making me go a little out of my way and the time I'll have to stand in line and show my ID to get the fucking box. But I'm sure the auto, if there is one, will be some noname defensive replacement; a couple squiggles on a sticker, affixed to a card of a guy in his pajamas. #collect

Gotta wrap this up.
If/when Panini stops with the UPS signature required for delivery bullshit, let me know. But otherwise, I'll be sticking with SportsFlicks for all my cards from now on. Maybe an occasionally Jimmy Dean.

Like, if I lived in a real bad neighborhood, sure, it might be nice to be like, "Hey Panini, motherfukas be crazy roun'eah. Best be lockin' dat shit down." But no, packages get left on my porch all the time with no incident. Don't force me into the ghetto delivery option. Just be cool and drop it at my door like how that's supposed to go down.

Anyways, thanks for the free cards (assuming I'm ever able to get them).

defgav out/


  1. One of the greatest rants ever!

  2. I laughed. Starting with undies. Nice rant!

  3. Hold up, guys! Looks like ma ho may actually be planning to take off Monday. Talk about a serendipitous hail mary miracle!

  4. First ballot rant hall of fame post! Hackler has to be saying to his homies... damn this contest promotion totally backfired on us. Hope you pull your Kershaw. More importantly... hope your dog recovers quickly.