Thursday, June 16, 2016

Robotronix and the Fantastical Machine: An Archives Adventure: Chapter 3

And now, the thrilling conclusion of the tale of Robtronix and Vroom Vroom and their quest to save the land from the forces of evil. (Be sure you've read chapters 1 and 2 already.)

Well on their way to the lair of madness & displeasure with the enchanted elixir, Robo, Vroom, R2, and Wicket were verbally accosted by a gang of M.U.S.C.L.E. men making off-color remarks about Wicket's genitalia.

"Do you desire to have a piece of me?" challenges Robotronix.

"Aw, hells yeah! Break 'em off sumthin'!" encourages Vroom Vroom.

The team of good guys busts open a pack highlighted by a Miguel Sano auto, a very powerfull assault indeed.

"YUB NUB!" taunts Wicket, gesturing wildly to his crotch.

The M.U.S.C.L.E. men answer with a Randy Jones SP, but the autographless Sano card just mocks them to no end. They run away in tears. R2-D2 almost feels pity for the fallen bullies at first, but ultimately is happy to see their shame manifest itself. He makes a few droid noises to convey these feelings.

The team forages on, their resolve ever strengthened. But then, luck would have it, they find themselves in the crosshairs of two of America's troops. "Halt! Who goes there?" questions an army man.

"Sheeeeet, we's just tryin' to do what's right. We ain't hurtin' nobody," says Vroom.

"Let's see what you got," the other army guy says cockily.

It's a heated battle, with Carlos Correa and Corey Seager duking it out.

"Ok, you guys are all right," the two army men say in perfect unison, "You can go upon your way."

"Upon my way?" says Vroom, looking for a fight. "WTF?!"

"It is not worth it. Our mission must not be compromised," a visibly consternated Robotronix counsels Vroom Vroom.

Cooler heads eventually prevail and the team moves forward toward the evil lair.

But you'll never guess what happened next. Yep, that's right! An obstacle was presented before them.

Ninjas, no less!

As is customary in this fictional fantasy world, the confrontation was decided by the opposing parties each opening a pack of baseball cards.

Thankfully, our heroes pulled a Kris Bryant card, and so the ninja uprising was quelled.

The joy of victory wait short lived however, as they could feel themselves getting closer to the root of all evil.

"This shit is fucked up, right here," opined Vroom. The others all murmured in agreement.

After a couple tense hours, they made their way to the lair of madness and displeasurement where the evil warlord resides.

They were so scared that Wicket pissed himself a little. Similarly, the robots and car had minor coolant leaks.

"(EEEEEVVVVVIIIIIILLLLNNNNNEEEEESSSSS)," was the gist of what the evil warlock type guy was conveying to the crew, though in actuality it was much scarier and seemed to last about 45 minutes, give or take. Did I mention the evil guy can shoot lasers out of his eyes? Because, yeah, he totally can do that, among other badass stuff that wouldn't be safe around your kids.

"All right, it all comes down to this!" says Vroom.

"Press any key to continue," agreed Robo.

Nervously, they joined together and pried a package of cards from the fantastical machine and ever-so-slowly-and-meticulously separated the wrapper to reveal the cards perched therein.

Hark! A blue parallel (/199) of an Eduardo Perez autograph! Calling Eduardo Perez a "fan favorite" might be a bit of a stretch, but maybe-- just maybe-- it'll be enough.

The supreme source of all evil in the world then answered with a pack of his own.

"What-- what? How can this be?!" says the evil warchild. "I mean, hey, come on, Tony Perez is the father of Eduardo Perez-- that's gotta count for something, right?"

Sensing vulnerability in the air, Wicket takes advantage of the confusion to grab the enchanted elixir and dump it down the evil dude's throat.

Amplified *glug, glug* noises fill the air at deafening levels. Lightning goes off and it's just all around batshit crazy for a moment.

And in the next moment, the skies cleared and the darkness dissipated. Where once the evil guy stood, there was now a cute little monkey.

"Golly, fellas! I sure am sorry for how I treated everybody. I don't know what got into me. I was a Grade-A jerkface, no other way around it," apologized the monkey.

"Sheeeeet," replies Vroom Vroom. "Ain't no thang."

"We are happy that you are no longer an evil being," says Robo.

"Hop in and lets go pick raspberries for Auntie Helga to bake into a pie for us," says Vroom.

"Gee, that's sounds swell!" answers the happy monkey.

He and R2 hop in Vroom and the whole gang lets out a triumphant victory cry.

The End.